Unspoken Agony

"Men are more prone to suicidal tendencies than woman after heartbreak". A survey conducted by some social scientists reveals this fact. So what is the heart break or betrayal? Why does someone irrespective of the gender face the dilemma of heart break and the consequences which follow immediately after heart break? Why relationships turn sour? Different persons have different reasons and explanations for it. They have their own account to share but in general whatever may be the reason of the breakup it really hurts and hurts very much.

Just imagine the situation. You love somebody from your heart and soul. Both of you are in technical college doing your graduation and have dreamt of a nice life ahead. Your relationship has seen several springs. How can you forget those late night phone calls, going for lunch in a Punjabi dhabba, that long drive in that trusty old bike, holding each others hand and enjoying the silence of the moment, going for a field trip and exploring the nature, bunking the humanities lecture to go for shopping and cinema and the last minute exam time reading together in the library? Those were the greatest days of your life. But life is like the game of cricket. You can loose all wickets within a span of few runs. The college is over and you are desperate to get a job as quickly as possible with less possible effort and most possible salary. Your girlfriend is equally or you can say more tensed than you about your job because all of her hopes of happy life are with you and she can’t live without you. You try your best, sit in the on campus and off campus interviews but you are unable to find a job, you feel shattered.

As the time passes by the situation turns glimmer. You shift to a metro city for the purpose of job haunting. Sharing a cramped but costly apartment, sacrificing your much loved comforts because you are ashamed of asking your parents for more money; can’t deter you from the mission of getting a high profile job. You don’t want to go for a higher study because you hate to understand the finer concepts of technical terms. Many people come and give advice on what to do and what not to do. But what to do with the advice when you don’t have money for a cup of tea? You go from company to company for walk in interviews and get enrolled in a job consultancy. You get depressed when you see your friends are getting plump jobs and you are just a mute witness in the party thrown by them to celebrate their success. But you have one reason to smile. Your long time girl friend is still with you in the crisis time. Now she got a job in a small organization to earn her pocket money, she asks you to search for an opening in a small company or educational institute. But your ego comes in and says, “No, I am made for the BIG things, I can’t teach or work in a BPO or attend calls in a call centre. I have labored hard for 4 years to earn a degree of engineering; I want to do some thing big. If Mr. X who scored less marks in college could get a plump company like Y with a whooping salary, I can also do it”.

A year after the college you are still wondering whether it is a good decision to go for a MBA in HR or to go for a job in a BPO or whether there is an easier way to get employed in the plants by utilizing the sources in and outside the company?. And with each passing day depression and helplessness is taking its toll on you. Late one night when you are trying to sleep you receive a call from your girl friend. She is disturbed and wants to convey something really important. After much persuasion she drops a bomb shell right in your lap. A couple of marriage proposal has come up for her and her family is vigorously lobbying with her to get settled. The grooms are from well to do families and with lucrative career. You silently listened to her. You wanted to shout at your highest possible pitch, cry louder so that every one in the neighborhood could hear your voice. What can you do, all your efforts to search for a decent job are in vain and you are loosing your girlfriend who was with you for years for a mere job. You try to persuade her to kill time or beg time from the family but she is also helpless in the mounting pressure from her family. She is also helpless because you don’t have a career, money, future which is the necessary and sufficient condition or ingredient for a groom. She says, “My family won’t accept this proposal. It is not about the matter of cast, creed and religion. The proposals are coming from very good families and financially stable grooms with a sky rocketing career. And you don’t have a job till date. I can’t convince my family on this matter.” The last phrase gives a severe beating to your masculine ego and your calm nature and patience gives away to anger and depression. You shot back, “Do what ever you want.” And that’s the last nail on the coffin. No contacts for days, you both are so disturbed to dial each other’s number, you don’t know what to do and what not to do. You love to hate the feelings of being separated. Now her family knows about your relationship and is working overtime to find a suitable groom for their only daughter. You puff packets of cigarettes to ease the tension but all are in vain. Time passes but your search of job and peace in your love life is still on.

At last on a fine morning all of a sudden your cell phone gets a message saying that your girlfriend’s family has at last found a suitable groom for her and she is being persuaded vigorously to accept the proposal because her family member think that if they loose this offer they will not get another of this kind. After reading the message you feel that the ground beneath your feet is not in its place and you are collapsing. You take some time to digest the news. Now you are like “a bull in a china shop”. You run here and their but to no avail. You try to call her but the cell phone is ringing endlessly and the DDLJ ring tone which you gave her as a gift is irritating you to the nerves. After a couple days you get her in the phone but she is not in her own terms and crying endlessly. Her sobs are making you weaker and you can’t think what to say. The call gets disconnected but no solution in sight. Days pass by and you are deep in the clutches of depression. Finally you both have to accept the situation. You have no other options. So for the last time you dial her number and your heart is beating faster and the breathing is more intense. You say to her that you are unable to find a job and do what needs to be done to secure her love, and advises her to accept that proposal. As you speak streams of tear flood our eyes and finally the moment comes when there is an endless silence. You feel like committing suicide at that moment because you feel you don’t have the right to live without your lady love. But a certain force from your inner feeling says that, “No this is not the right time to end this life; you have to bear this burn for ever in your life” You come back to your home town biding adieu to the unfaithful metro culture which played a real villain in your love life. Both of you finally decide to meet at the same old park for a last time before her marriage. She is composed but you are going through the lowest point of your life. This was the park which both of you often visited during your courtship period but now the situation has changed. There was a time when this vary park witnessed your blossoming love when you used to sit in the bench holding each other’s hand. But today the situation is different. You are so close to her but she is so far away from you. So close yet so far. This is the real dilemma of life. You wanted to hold her hand, but lack the courage of doing so. There was a time when you loved this park because of the spring, but now the fall has arrived and the situation has turned upside down. After some time only silence remained between both of you and the meeting ended with silent notes.

You receive the news that her engagement has been fixed and soon she is going to get married. Her profile in a popular social networking site vanishes in no time, she resigned from her job and she is confined to the four walls of her house. Finally the day arrives when you hear that she is sitting on a decorated dice clad in a red elaborate sambalpuri bridal saree facing the sacred fire and the more sacred shlokas from the pundit. During the process of the ceremony she maintained a composed look so no one could guess her emotions. Someone told that it is a bridal gesture (both bridal laughter and bridal tear). You wish to give her a memorable present (a banarasi saree) as memories of your lost love but you don’t have the requisite courage to go to her marriage reception in the fear that you can’t control your emotions. At last you beg her friends to do the favor for you and she gets your last gift for which you burnt a big hole in your savings. Her friends said that she was crying throughout the bidai ceremony, you don’t know for whom the tears were meant for. She was crying because every bride cries in her bidai ceremony because she leaves her home for ever or she was crying because she has lost her love or she was crying on your inability to secure her love. You stop analyzing because it is taking the guts out of your head. As the day light hand over its charge to the night your favorite singer Mohd. Rafi saab’s mesmerizing voice plays in the background.

“pyar main jinke sab jag choda aur hue badnaam

unke hi haton haal hua ye.. bathein hain dil ko tham

apne kabhi the ab hain paraye

din dhal jaye haye.. raat na jaye tu ta na aye teri yaad sataye”

At last you get a call from the low profile company for which you applied for and eagerly join without asking any further question. Life goes on and both of you adjust with it. She is getting familiar to her new life without you, her family in a new house hold where as you are adjusting yourself in your new job, without your love. So life goes on, no matter what happens……………………………. Now both of you are trying to forget the past and live in the present.