“Kabhi khud pe kabhi halat pe rona aya………….”

In a sleepy November afternoon Abhay, a Ph.D student was in his room sitting amid heap of books and papers trying to solve an inverse kinematics problem of robotics. His laptop was placed in his side and his gtalk state showed idle. Abhay likes this kind of silence where he can actually apply his brain and do some useful work. It was a Saturday afternoon and he was confident of finishing his work by Monday morning to show to his guide. Breaking the silence Abhay’s nokia mobile started ringing. At first abhay thought it was from the service provider who frequently calls to advertise different schemes. But it turned out to be Rohan, his college friend. Rohan works for a software MNC and stays in a nearby town which is a couple of hours drive. Abhay asked him about his well being and Rohan said, “I am fine. Abhay I have news for you, “Shilpa is tying the knot with Dr. Vishal on 22nd Dec.” Abhay was listening to all this in silence. After a pause he asked, “Who told you?” Rohan said, “I got the marriage invitation by email. Check your mail, she forwarded it to all” Abhay paused again, he knew that it is useless to check his email because his email id doesn’t come in the list of Shilpa’s contact. He is as useless to Shipla as the stack of old newspapers in a home. Rohan was saying something about the new insurance scheme he has taken but Abhay was least bothered to listen to him. He said, “Rohan, I will call you back in some time.” Saying this he abruptly disconnected the call. He knew sooner or later this thing is bound to happen but he is at least spared the dilemma of viewing the marriage invitation card. Abhay thanked Shilpa for doing him this kind of favor.
The silence of the room which was giving such a pleasurable company to Abhay few minutes ago is now taking the shape of a giant who is baying for Abhay’s blood. Abhay sat on the chair motionless for some time. He closed the book and opened the door of the balcony. His single bed room on 5th floor of the hostel soon filled with the chill of the winter wind. Abhay stood there for some time and looked upwards. He could see the sky, the day light will soon vanish and a cruel night of darkness will take guard. Abhay wanted to cry and cry louder. He wanted to run away from life and the dilemma of loosing his girl friend to another person. He looked upon the table, thick books of artificial intelligence, robotics were either lying here and there or stacked up on the shelf. What is the use of a doctoral degree, the knowledge of cutting edge instrumentation engineering, 20 research paper publications in reputed international journals like IEEE, IETE when you can’t get the hand of your childhood sweet heart for marriage? Unknown to him some drops of tears ran down his cheeks, he wiped out the tears and went inside the room. He saw himself on the mirror. He could see a man in his late twenties wearing glasses, having a rough face and darkened eyes. The image in the mirror seemed to be a stranger to Abhay.
From the very beginning Abhay knew that Shilpa won’t agree to tie the knot with him but he tried his best to persuade her. Shilpa considered him as a friend; nothing more or nothing less. But as the time passed there relationship grew bigger and better but the requisite composition of love and belongingness was still missing. They agreed upon a platonic relationship. Though Abhay was happy but still in a small part of his heart he saw Shilpa as his life partner. But he couldn’t convince Shilpa upon it. And finally with the passage of time he accepted his defeat and tried to concentrate on his career. He accepted that he can’t work in a software firm or any MNC like his friends and pocket a huge amount of money in the end of month. He did his post graduation in engineering from a reputed college and enrolled for a doctoral degree soon after. To fulfill his hunger for a doctoral degree Abhay has sacrificed many things which were very dear to him. He sacrificed his night’s sleep, his friend circle, home made favorite dishes and many more things. He stays away from his family in a hostel, works as a lecturer in the institute. He can manage and control his brain about the longer working hour, about the small pay scale and the stress of working for a doctoral degree but how can he see Shilpa getting married to someone else. Every night depression mounts on him and Abhay searches for some one who can understand his feelings. But he finds some good friends just listening and comforting him for a brighter future which awaits him after he completes his doctoral degree. But Abhay asks what the need of the future is when the present is such a pretty mess. What is the use of a post like “Associate Professor” and “Professor” while Prof. Abhay can’t get the hand of his childhood sweet heart? He started the media player and a soulful song of Mohd. Rafi mesmerized the environment.
“Hum to samjhe the ke hum bhool gaye hain unko
Kya hua aaj ye iss baat pe rona aya……….
Kabhi khud pe kabhi halat pe rona aya………….”
Listening to this kind of soulful song in complete silence and a perfect situation brought tears in to Abhay’s eyes. He sat on the chair, put on his head phone and closed his eye and replayed it again and again. By the time he stopped listening to that song it was almost dark. He glanced at the table clock and it was 6:30 PM. He put on his sweater, took his purse and went to the market to have tea. Roaming here and there aimlessly he glanced upon a gift shop, full of gifts along with some beautiful replica of Indian gods and goddesses. He entered the shop and asked for the Radha-Krishna idol. Before asking to gift wrap the idol he glanced at it again. It will be a perfect gift for Shipla’s marriage. Dr. Vishal and Shilpa would be a perfect couple. After a long courtship which weathered many springs and storms they are calling it a day to be together in the presence of sacred fire and auspicious slokas. Paying the money he called Rohan to ask him to take the gift and present her on behalf of him. Carrying the box of gift he started walking towards the hostel. The darkness has prevailed and the chill of winter is displaying its might. He plugged on the head phone of the mobile and tuned in to radio. It is going to be a long and lonely walk; the RJ played the master piece of jagjit singh,
“Tum hamare nahi, to kya gum hai…. Hum tumhare to hain ye kya kum hai……….
Bangaya hai ye zindegi ab to… tujhse badhkar hume tera gum hai”